Vladimir Goes To Havana

Vladimir Andropyournosin, veteran of the Soviet

campaign for the liberation of the peoples of

Afghanistan, after a period of convalescence in the

German Democratic Republic, sat up in his hospital bed

on a brisk February morning, put down the newspaper he

was reading and rang the assistance bell next to his

pillow.

The uniformed nurse arrived and supplied Vladimir with

writing paper, a pen and an envelope.

Vladimir wrote

"To the advisory board for the Development of cultural

visits to sympathetic States.

Dear Sirs, I have just read in last Septembers issue of

Pravda that Doctor Mikhail Buggerovski, a colleague

from the days of my lectureship at Moscow University,

has been appointed as Scientific Advisor to the Soviet

Delegation in Cuba for the promotion of soil mechanics

at the research institute there.

Having survived the campaign of Afghanistan I am

requesting that I continue my convalescence visiting Dr

Buggerovski, assisting him in his work in Havana, for a

period of time which the board deems fit.

Yours faithfully, comrade Andropyournosin."

Methodically he folded the letter, placed it in the

envelope, sealed it and addressed it.

Six weeks later Vladimir was standing on the deck of

the SS Ivanitch, a black sea tourist cruiser disguised

as a missile carrying cargo vessel to deceive the

Americans.

Waiting at the foot of the gangplank was Mikhail

Vladerovsky.

Immediately they went to a bar and drank several ice

cold Slivovitzes to toast each others health.

Mikhail outlined his work in Havana, a research project

he had initiated there and the success he had achieved.

In fact, it had been rumoured that he would receive a

medal of honour from the Kremlin itself.

The more he heard the more enthusiastic Vladimir

became, and he slept soundly that night, eagerly

awaiting the start of his new appointment the next day.

It was after the first week that Vladimir met Christos.

One evening he was strolling in the humid streets of

Havana when he stopped for a night-cap in one of

several bars that lined the streets.

Christos sat there, proud, manly and astonishingly good

looking,

but with a boyish look about him and a vulnerability

that appealed to Vladimir.

Before even realising it Vladimir was in conversation

with him using a crude mixture of sign language and

broken English and Spanish.

After about an hour, Vladimir realised there had been

something missing in his stay in Havana : Fun with a

big 'F'.

It wasn't that he didn't find Christos attractive -

everyone did - but Vladimir had been cured of that

illness, back home in the Soviet Union.

"many thanks to the Party that cares for its people" he

thought.

However there seemed to be a new kind of energy in this

bar.

People were talking non stop; their eyes seemed full of

intensity.

After several hours Christos signalled for Vladimir to

follow him into an adjacent room.

Christos then took out a big plastic bag containing

white powder.

He shovelled a spoonful up his nose while inhaling

strongly, then signalled for the perplexed Vladimir to

do the same.

Suddenly everything became clear. Why of course, this

was why there was so much sugar cane on the island,

this was why everyone in the bar looked alert and

intense, because they were sniffing the refined sugar,

which gives you energy.

Christos winked, pointing to a bag of white powder.

"This is the reason we must get to Miami".

Vladimir pretended to understand, "but in order to get

there we must be criminals and, or social undesirables,

to benefit from a scheme set up by the American

president, which our president is going to take full

advantage of - ha ha ha!

- and so will we. You could say it is a foreign 'aids'

programme! ha ha ha!