Love Is...

I love you like kings love queens

Like a gay geneticist loves designer genes (jeans)

I need you like New Orleans needs a drought

Like Hitler's father needed to learn to pull out

And I want you like a lawyer/mathematician wants some

kind of proof

And I want you like JFK wanted a car with a roof.

Because love is taking a dive, then getting really

comfortable and peeing in the pool

And love is real life porn minus all the stuff that

makes porn cool

And love is a homeless guy searching for treasure in

the middle of the rain and finding a bag of gold coins

and slowly finding out that they're all filled with

chocolate and even though he's heartbroken he can't

complain cause he was hungry in the first place

I love you like Dora loves Maps

Like the Popes toilet loves holy craps

I need you like a voyeur needs a branch

Like boys tossing salad needs a little bit of Never

Land Ranch

And I want you like all the gothic kids that look

exactly the same never want to conform

And I want you like Anne Frank wanted

nobody to read her fucking diary

Cause a diary's a collection of secret things that no

one is suppose to read

That's the whole point of a diary

Millions of people have breached this little girls

privacy after she was chased by nazis

Kick her while she's down

And if we met in 10,000bc I was your caveman, Youz my

cavelady

If we got hot we'd start rubbing

If we got hungry we'd go clubbing

There's wooly mammoths but i will protect us

You're making me devolve to a homo-erectus

And if we met in 1780

I was a white southern aristocratic plantation owner

And you were my dark-skinned servant lady...

slave

Whenever I could get away from the misses

I'll go to your shed and then I'll steal you kisses

But let's be serious I'd still work you full time as a

slave

Theres a difference between romantic language and a

complete disregard for socio-economic trends

And if we met in 1941

I was a nazi Youz a gypsy on the run

That's a little redundant

That...probably wouldnt've worked out.

Because love is your favorite food for every breakfast

lunch and dinner

And love is the holocaust except you don't die quick

and you don't get thinner

And love is being the owner of the company that makes

rape whistles

And even though you started the company with good

intentions trying to reduce the rate of rape

Now you don't want to reduce them at all cause if the

rape rate declines you'll see an equal decline in

whistle sales

Without rapists who's gonna buy your whistles?

Love is all about...

whistles