A Visit From St. Nicholson

Twas’ the fright before Christmas

No one upset me

With a big bowl of popcorn, watching TV

I stretched, gave a yawn, settled back in my chair

In hopes that St. Nicholson soon would be there

The children were lying awake without sleep

They’d seen all his movies; He gives them the creeps

I’d cued up cuckoo’s nest with my trusty remote

To the part where he had all the nuts in the boat

When out in the yard, there arose such a noise

I turned off the TV to see what it was

And what to my wandering eyes should approach

But the Los Angeles Lakers, and Pat Riley, their coach

The limo was racing, the team at its heels

That’s when I saw him: the man at the wheel

He ranted and cursed, and waved round his swizzle stick

And I knew in a second it must be Jack Nick

More rapid than the Celtics these Lakers they came

He screamed like a mad man and called them by name

“Now Magic, now Worthy, now Scott and Kareem

On Cooper, on Rambis and the rest of the team”

Down the chimney St. Nicholson came with a groan

Then he brushed off the suit and said, “Honey, I’m home”

He was wearing a trench coat, with beer it was stained

And his shirt was clawed to shreds by Shirley Maclaine

He had a fat face and a flabby beer belly

From too many trips to the bar and the deli

He said, “It's tough when an actor becomes fat and lazy

I only get calls to play weirdo’s and crazies

And middle-aged has-been’s with washed up careers

But I’ll fix them all and play Santa this year”

And with that, he buried his head in the sack and said

“Lets see what you get from your old buddy Jack

A hatchet for daddy", he reared back his head

To scare all those little buggers upstairs in bed

And a stiff drink for mommy in a nice tall glass

She could really use something to kill that bug up her chimney

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his face

He threw all the stockings into the fireplace

What could I do? What could I say?

What would I wear on my feet Christmas day?

I asked for a reason and turning his head

He looked straight at me and here’s what he said

“Why? You wanna know why?

Do you really wanna know why, pal? I’ll tell you why

When you’re out Christmas shopping

You know, doing your little Christmas things

With all your little Christmas friends

Spreading all that Christmas cheer

With those stupid Christmas songs?

Did you ever stop and think of

Picking up a little something for old Jack?

Did you ever stop to think of what Jack might like for Christmas?

You know Jack from the movies up on the big screen

Pouring his heart out, giving it everything he’s got

Day in and day out, just trying as hard as he can

To bring a tiny little bit of sunshine

Into your miserable little humdrum lives

Did you ever think of good ole Jack for a second?

No, not once, maybe old Jack just wasn’t that good

Maybe, I wasn’t good enough

In the postman always rings twice

Acting my guts out for you in that one

Cuckoo’s nest, the shining, witches of fricking Eastwick

Prizzi’s fricking honor, all for you, pal

Just to brighten things up for you

Not good enough though, is it?

No, you want me to brighten up the Christmas season too?

Isn’t that what you want, pal?

Okay, let's make things real bright around here

What do you say we decorate the tree?

String up these pretty lights here

Oh, she’s looking brighter already

What do you say we take this cute little angel

And ram her on the top branch, huh?

How about some gasoline for the whole thing?

I mean, let's make her just as bright as she can be

What do you say we light her up and chuck her

Through the old picture window here?

No point in having a tree as bright

As all that without giving the neighbors

A chance to see, don’t you think?

There, aren’t you glad ole’ Jack stopped by

The flames towered brightly in the cold, wintry sky

As he made for his limo and bade his goodbye

And an age may unfold air I fail to regret

That visit from St. Nicholson, which I’d sooner forget

But I swear by the goose bumps upon my skin

That I’ll always remember that devilish grin

And his voice, crying out as he faded from sight

“Merry Christmas to all and I hope I never see you again

For as long as I live, for crying out loud”