Smoke

I love to smoke. I smoke seven thousand packs a day,

ok. And I am never fucking quitting! I don't care how

many laws they make. What's the law now? You can only

smoke in your apartment, under a blanket, with all the

lights out? Is that the rule now, huh?! The cops are

outside, "We know you have the cigarettes. Come out of

the house with the cigarettes above your head." "You'll

never get me copper! I'm never coming out, you hear? I

got a cigarette machine right here in my bedroom.

Yeah!"

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get one of those

tracheotomies. So I can smoke two cigarettes at the

same time. I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies all the way

around my neck. I'll be Tracheotomie Man! "He can smoke

a pack at a time! He's Tracheotomie Man!"

I'm looking forward to cancer, man. I want that throat

cancer. That's the best kind. You know why? You get

that throat cancer, you get that voice box thing. Know

what I'm talking about? ..[Talking as if has a voice

box].. Sure it's scary, but you can make a lot of money

with a voice box. Get a voice box, walking around the

streets of Manhattan, "[VB] You got any spare change?"

"Ahhh!! Here's my whole wallet, get away from me! Ahh!"

Imagine a whole family with voice boxes. That'd be

creepy, wouldn't it? They'd be out in that backyard

everyday during the summer. "[VB] Dad, can we go to the

beach?" "[VB] Yes, get your mother and the dog. We'll

leave right now. Sparky, come here." "[VB] Arf Arf Arf

Arf Arf Arf Arf" Ahhhh!!

Or the ultimate irony. A guy with a voice box pulling

up to the drive through window at McDonald's. That has

to suck, huh? "Can I help you?" "[VB] Big Mac and a

large order of fries." "Stop making fun of me." "[VB]

I'm not making fun of you." "I'm getting the manager."

"[VB] Get the fucking manager, I don't care."

I can remember a time in this country when men were

proud to get cancer, God dammit! When it was a sign of

manhood! John Wayne had cancer twice. Second time, they

took out one of his lungs. He said, "Take 'em both! Cuz

I don't fuckin' need 'em! I'll grow gills and breathe

like a fish!"

Babe Ruth, greatest baseball player to ever play the

game. He had a voic box. He was the first American to

have a voice box. Yeah! "[VB] This is Babe Ruth, the

Sultan of Swat, the Bambino, I smoke twenty-five God

damn cuban cigars a day. I had meat for breakfast,

lunch, and dinner. I fucked eighteen prostitutes a

night! 'course, I'm dead now. I'm up here in heaven.

Lou Gehrig is up here with me. God love Lou Gehrig.

Jesus Christ, poor Lou Gehrig. Died of Lou Gehrig's

disease. How the hell did he not see that coming? You

know. We used to tell him, Lou, there's a disease with

your name all over it, pal! There ain't no Babe Ruth

disease, I'll tell you that much right now. Have a hot

dog and a Hummer. Go ahead, it's on me."

I don't know. Personally, I think Billy Martin said it

best when he said, "Hey! I can drive!" Because we tried

to be nice to you non-smokers. We fucking tried. Okay?

You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We

gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you.

Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole

God damn plane! You happy now? You own the fucking

plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks

because I will guarantee you if the plane is going

down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is,

"Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light

'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton

of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take

it easy." Actually, it'd be more like this, "[VB] This

is your Captain speaking. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. Rrrr

Rrrr"

The filters the best part. That's where they put the

heroine. Only us real good smokers know that fucking

secret. Yeah, we tried to be nice to you non-smokers.

We tried. But you just fucking badger us, you know? You

won't leave us alone! You got all your little speeches

you're always giving to us. All these little facts that

you dig out of a newspaper or pamphlet and you store

that little nugget in your little fucking head, and we

light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya? I love

these little facts. "Well you know. Smoking takes ten

years off your life." Well it's the ten worst years,

isn't it folks? It's the ones at the end! It's the

wheelchair kidney dialysis fucking years. You can have

those years! We don't want 'em, alright!? And I

guarantee if I'm still alive, I'll be smoking then.

I'll be in my wheelchair, with my adult diapers on and

my twenty-five year old non- smoking born again

christian son behind me. I'll be going, "Hey! Make sure

you wipe this time. I was itching all week for Christ's

sake! And get me some more wippets. I'm almost out, you

fucking pussy! Come on!"

Because you're always telling us, "You know, ever

cigarette takes six minutes off your life. If you quit

now you can live an extra ten years. If you quit now,

you can live an extra twenty years." Hey, I got two

words for you, ok. Jim Fix. Remember Jim Fix? The big

famous jogging guy? Jogged fifteen miles a day. Did a

jogging book. Did a jogging video. Dropped out of a

heart attack when? When he was fucking jogging, that's

when! What do you wanna bet it was two smokers who

found the body the next morning and went, "Hey! That's

Jim Fix, isn't it?" "Wow, what a fucking tragedy. Come

on, lets go buy some buds."

It's always the yogurt sprout eating mother fuckers who

get run over buy a bus drive by a guy who smokes three

and a half packs a day. "Sorry officer, I didn't see

him. I was too busy smoking!"