Billy the Mountain

Billy the Mountain

Billy the Mountain

A regular picturesque

Postcardy mountain

Residing between lovely

Rosamond and Gorman

With his stunning wife Ethel

A tree, a tree.

Billy was a Mountain

Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder

Billy was a Mountain

Billy was a Mountain

Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder

Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder

( Hey, hey, hey! )

Billy had two big

Caves for eyes

With a cliff for a jaw

That would go up or down

And whenever it did

He'd puff out some dust

And hack up a boulder, hack.

Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.

Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.

Hack up a boulder.

Now, one day, and I believe it was on Tuesday, a man in

checkered double-knit suit drove up in large El Dorado

Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene ( "Where the freeways

meet in Downey!" ) and he laid a huge bulging envelope

right at the corner of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, that was

right where his foot was supposed to be. Now BILLY THE

MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it: All those postcards

he'd posed for, for all of those years, and finally,

now at last, his royalties! "Royalties, royalties,

royalties! The royalty check is in, honey!" ... Yes,

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and his eyeball

caves, they widened in amazement... and his jaw, which

was a cliff, well it ... it dropped thirty feet! A

bunch of dust puffed out ... rocks and boulders hacked

up, hack! hack! ... crushing the Lincoln ...

I gave him the money

He acted real funny

He hacked up a rock and

It totaled my car

Oh do you

Know any trucks

Might be bound for the valley

I don't wanna stand here

All night in this bar

( Dear Lord )

I don't wanna stand here

All night in this bar

( No shit )

I don't wanna stand here

All night in this bar

By two o'clock, when bars had already closed down,

Billy had broken the big news to Ethel, AHHHH, and with

dust and boulders everywhere, Billy, choked with

exitement, announced: "Ethel, we're going on a

vacation!"... Yes, and they were going on a vacation,

oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel, like any little woman, she

of course was very excited ... she creaked a little

bit, and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told

Ethel they were going to... yes, they where going to

New York! "Ethel, we're going to... New York! But first

they were gonna stop in Las Vegas...

"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,

Pull a few handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,

Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,

I'm glad we could have a vacation this year,

Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this year."

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave

Desert, their voices echoing thru the canyons of your

minds... "Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee? Howard

Johnson's, ahhh there's a Howard Johnson's! ... Wanna

eat some clams? ...

The first noteworhty piece of real estate they

destroyed was Edwards Air Force Base. And to this very

day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks alike speak in

reverent whispers about that fateful night when Test

Stand Number One and the rocket sled itself got

LUNCHED, I said LUNCHED, by a famous mountain and his

small wooden wife ...

"Word just in to the KTTV news service undeniably links

this mountain and his wife to drug abuse and payoffs as

part of San Joaquin Valley smut ring. However, we can

assure parents in the Southern California area that a

recent narcotic crackdown in Torrence ... Hawthorne ...

Lomita ... Westchester ... Playa del Rey ... Santa

Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland ... San Fernando ...

Pacoima ... Sylmar ... Newhall ... Canoga Park ...

Palmdale ... Glendale ... Irwindale ... Rolling Hills

... Granada Hills ... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills

... will provide the secret evidence the Palmdale Grand

Jury has needed to seek a criminal indictement and pave

the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid,

and avert a crippling strike of bartenders and

veterinarians throughout the inland empire ..."

Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon ( La

La La nice lady ) to raise funds for the injured,

"injured", and homeless, "homeless" in Glendale, as

Billy had just levelled it. And a few miles right

outside of town Billy caused a 'Oh mine/my(?) papa' in

the earth's crust, right over the secret underground

dumps, right near the Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where

they keep the pools of old poison gas and obsolete

germs bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised through

... Yes, it was about three o'clock in the afternoon

when little Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch (

"Toto...!") just playing ( "Come here, Toto ...!") and

having a nice time with his little accordion,

("Toto...!") and this weird wind came up, direct from

Glendale, blowing those terrible germs in his direction

... and all this caused by huge mountain ("Aunty Em")

somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly, sucking up

two-thirds of it ( suck, suck, suck) for an ultimetly

dispersal over vast stretches of ... WATTS!!!

Now, unless I misunderstood, it was right outside of

Columbus, Ohio when Billy received his notice to report

for his induction physical. Now lemme tell ya, Ethel

said, now Ethel, Ethel said she wasn't gonna let him go

... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy" ... that's right,

we now have confirmed reports from an informed Orange

County minister that Ethel is still an active communist

and it is this reporter's opinion that she also

practices covent WITCH-CRAFT ...

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside

of the secret briefcase belonging to one mortal man who

might be able to stop all of this senseless destruction

and save America herself. And I'm sorry to disappoint

some of you, it was not Chief Redden. This one man was

Studebacher Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the

current economic slump. Now, some folks say he looked

like Zubin Mehta (Zubin Mehta); still others say

"Bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy who

happened to be born next to the frozen beef pies at

Boney's Market..."; still others say "Pshaw/Shaun(?),

and piss on you, Jack, he's just a crazy Iatlian who

drove a red car ..." You see, nobody ever really knew

for sure because Studebacher was sooooo mysterious ....

He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious

He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious

'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks

And marvelouse beyond compute

You can never really tell about a guy like that

Whether he's really a nice person

Or if he just smiles a lot

Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.

Whether he's really a nice person

Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.

Some men say he could fly

Some men say he could swim

Others say he could sing like Neil Sedaka,

And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him

Two, three amazed of him ... amazed ...

Time passed. January, February, March, July, Wednesdey,

August, Irwindale, two-thirty in the afternoon, Sunday,

Monday, Funny Cars, Walnuts, City of Industry, Big John

Masamanian ... So when the phone ring in the secret

briefcase, a strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-

Right wristwatch and flexy braclet grabbed it and

answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So... ah...

yeah, yeah hello already ... what? ... well, yeah? ...

Ah-are you kidding? ... You're not kidding ... a

mountain ... with a tree growing off of its shoulder?

Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way,

before you go on; did you get those white albums I sent

ya with the pencil on the front, yeah? Yeah, you should

move some of those for me ... We're having a lot

of,...listen, so kiss little Jakee on the head... and

how's your wife's hemorrhoids?...ah, that's too

bad...Listen...so you've got a mountain, with a tree,

listen, causing...well, let me write this down... sorta

take a few notes here...yeah? ...to El Segundo,

huh?...causing

untold destruction..( my baby, my baby )...wanted for

draft evasion?... an expense account? ... and per diem,

too?..."

SOME MEN SAY HE COULD DANCE

They said he could dance

And of course they were right ...

Ladies and gentelmen, this is it: The Studebacher Hoch

Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidence,

featuring Aynsley Dunbar! ... HIT IT! ...

TWIRLY, TWIRLY, TWIRLY, TWIRLY, TWIRLY, Fillmore ...

Hey, right hand from a heart

Left hand from a heart

Right hand from a heart

Left hand from a left shoulder

To the heart. Fillmore, Fillmore ...

Nobody can dance like Studebacher Hoch ...

So many rumors have spread about Studebacher Hoch ...

consider this rumor which was published about three

weeks ago in ROLLING STONE ( oh, it's gotta be true! )

... Studebacher Hoch can write the Lord's Prayer on the

head of a pin!" (NO!) do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do

... ... I'm so hip ... beef pies ... he was born next

to the beef pies, underneath Joni Mitchell's

autographed picture, right beside Elliot Robert's big

bank book, next to the boat where Crosby flushed away

all his stash and the cops got him in the boat and

drove away, to the can where Neil Young slipped another

disc ...

[ Frozen ??? pie

Frozen ??? pie

Frozen ??? pie

And that was the main influence on him

The influence of a frozen beef pie ]

Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran

a modeling school, whereupon he... yes, he ran around

the back of the Broadway at Hollywood Boulevard and

Vine to see if he could find himself some big, large,

unused cardboard boxes ( no shit! )... after which he

hit up the Ralph's on Sunset for some Aunt Jemima

syrup, some Kaiser boiler foil and pair of blunt

sissors, yeah! ... yes, and in the parking lot of

Ralph's ... where no prices are lower prices than

Ralph's... in the parking lot of Ralph's, in between a

pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking, he

cut out some really, really, really nice wings and he

covered them thoroughly with foil ...

Then he took those wings and wedged one under each of

his powerful arms and sneaked into a telephone booth

..YES,YES!! And then he shut the fucking door! ... And

he pulled down his blue denim policeman-type trouser

pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple

syrup all over the inside of his legs! ... Soon the

booth was filling with flies ( help me! help me! help

me! ) ... He held open the legs of his boxer shorts so

they could all get in, and when each and every one of

those little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants

and they were lapping up all that maple syrup, he bent

over and he put his head between his legs and he said

in a very clear, impressive, Ron-Hubbard-type voice:

"New York"... And the booth and everything lifted up,

out of parking lot, and into the sky.

Studebacher Hoch

YEAH, YEAH,

Studebacher Hoch

Studebacher Hoch

Studebacher Hoch

YEAH, YEAH,

Studebacher Hoch

Studebacher Hoch

He's coating his legs

With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down

His shorts will be filled with flies

That will be buzzing all around

Studebacher Hoch is really outa sight

Studebacher Hoch, he does it every night

Studebacher Hoch, he treats the flies all right

Studebacher Hoch

That's why they never bite, hey!

Hey please to New York

Fly to New York

He could be a dog

Or a frog

Or a lesbian queen

(Fly to New York)

He could be a narc

Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty

He's over thirty

Getting old ...

I don't know

His peculiar attire

And the flies he requires

Keep leading him on

'Cuz Ethel is gone

They keep leading him on

'Cuz Ethel is gone

And the mountain she's on

And speaking of mountains - - we'll join Studebacher

Hoch on the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth .. take

it away! ...

"Ah ... ya, ya, ya, hey-ah, Billy, listen ... I've come

to reason with you ... our great country needs you in

the armed forces ... Your number came up ... ya can't

go on running like this forever ..."

Ah, but Ethel just shook her twigs angrily. But

Studebacher Hoch, calm, cool, collected and

unperturbed, continued:

"Ya, well listen ... listen you communist sonofabitch

... you better get your ass down there for your fuckin'

physical or I'll see to it that you get used for fill

dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation ...

And your girlfiend there will wind up disguised as

series of brooms, primative ironing boards or a dog

house ... get the ( cough, cough) get the picture?"

Ya, well Billy just laughed:

"Ha, ha, ha. If they think they're gonna draft me,

they're crazy."

Unfortunately, because Studebacher Hoch was standing on

the edge of BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant

mountain laughed ... Studebacher Hoch lost his footing

and fell screaming, two hundred feet into the rubble

below ... ( "Aaahhhhh, oh fuck, I'm gonna need a truss

...")

Ah listen, that only goes to show you

And it'l show you once again that

A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with

You don't wanna fuck with

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck with Billy, No

And don't fuck with Ethel

You saw what just happened

To the guy with the flies

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around

With Biddilly, Biddilly

Biddilly The Mountain

Eddie, are you kidding?

Eddie, are you kidding?

Oh I forgot to mention this is where we take our

intermission.

we will see you in a few minutes

Thank you, We'll be back.