Jesus Thinks You're a Jerk

There's an ugly little wasel 'bout three-foot nine

Face puffed up from cryin' 'n lyin'

'Cause her sweet little hubby's

Suckin' prong part time

(In the name of The Lord)

Get a clue, little shrew

Oh yeah, oh yeah

Jesus thinks you're a jerk

Did he really choose Tammy to do His Work?

Robertson says that he's The One

Oh sure he is,

if Armageddon

Is your idea of family fun,

An' he's got some planned for you!

(Now, tell me that ain't true)

Now, what if Jimbo's slightly gay,

Will Pat let Jimbo get away?

Everything we've heard him say

Indicated that Jim must pay,

(And it just might hurt a bit)

But keep that money rollin' in,

'Cause Pat and naughty Jimbo

Can't get enough of it

Perhaps it's their idea

Of an Affirmative Action Plan

To give White Trash a 'special break';

Well, they took those Jeezo-bucks and ran

To the bank! To the bank! To the bank! To the bank!

And every night we can hear them thank

Their Buddy, up above

For sending down his love

(While you all smell the glove)

Jim and Pat should take a pole

(Right up each saintly glory-hole),

With tar and feathers too --

Just like they'd love to do to you

('Cause they think you are bad --

And they are very mad)

'Cause some folks don't want prayer in school!

(We'd need an ark to survive the drool

Of Micro-publicans, raised on hate,

And 'Jimbo-Jimbo' when they graduate)

Conviced they are 'The Chosen Ones' --

And all their parents carry guns,

And hold them cards in the N.R.A.

(With their fingers on the triggers

When they kneel and pray)

With a Ku-Klux muu-muu

In the back of the truck,

If you ain't Born Again,

They wanna mess you up, screamin':

"No abortion, no-siree!"

"Life's too precious, can't you see!"

(What's that hangin' from the neighbor's tree?

Why, it looks like 'colored folks' to me --

Would THEY do THAT...seriously?)

Imagine if you will

A multi-millionaire Television Evangelist,

Saved from Korean Combat duty by his father, a U.S. Senator

Studied Law --

But is not qualified to practice it

Father of a "love child"

Who, in adulthood, hosts the remnants

Of papa's religious propaganda program

Claims not to be a "Faith Healer",

But has, in the past,

Dealt stearnly with everything from hemorrhoids to hurricanes

Involved with funding for a 'secret war' in Central America

Claiming Ronald Reagan and Oliver North as close friends

Involved in suspicous 'tax-avoidance schemes',

(Under investigation for 16 months by the I.R.S.)

Claims to be a MAN OF GOD;

Currenty seeking the United States Presidency,

Hoping we will all follow him into --

The Twilight Zone

What if Pat gets in the White House,

And suddenly --

The rights of 'certain people' disappear

Mysteriously?

Now, wouldn't that sort of qualify

As an American Tragedy?

(Especially if he covers it up, sayin'

"Jesus told it to me!")

I hope we never see that day,

In The Land of The Free --

Or someday will we?

Will we?

And if you don't know by now,

The truth of what I'm tellin' you,

Then, surely I have failed somehow --

And Jesus will think I'm a jerk, just like you --

If you let those TV Preachers

Make a monkey out of you!

I said:

"Jesus will think you're a jerk"

And it will be true!

There's an old rugged cross

In the land of cutton --

It's still burnin' on somebody's lawn

And it still smells rotten

Jim and Tammy!

Oh, baby!

You gotta go!

You really got to go!