Australian Idol

I was having a bad week – I crashed the car and the cat carked it

Weighed myself outside Woolies and I’d put on 4 kilos

Arranged to meet an old friend for coffee

I poured my heart out – told her all about

Poor dead fluffy, and the bloody car, and did she think I should go on a diet?

She studied my face, trying to frame the words to say

Just the right blend of sympathy and advice

She took a big breath.

And looked into my eyes and she said:

You should go on Australian Idol!

Even if you don’t win, you’ll have a great time.

Don’t worry that you don’t look like a supermodel

They’re even letting fatties on there now so you should be fine.

I said ‘Thanks, I feel a lot better now’

Then I erased her number from my phone

I didn’t know how much we’d grown apart.

The very next day was my birthday.

No one called, except my grandma

And she was drunk, she just needed a lift home from the pub

Then that Sunday night, I went to dinner with my rellies

They said ‘Happy Birthday! Do you mind if we put the tv on?

It’s nearly the final of Australian Idol and

You should go on Australian Idol

You’re much prettier than her – she looks like a pudding

‘You’ll win it no worries love’ said my uncle

And I just turned and looked at him like he was something that I stood in.

And don’t get me wrong – if I turn on the tv and it’s on

I can’t stop watching. Even with the ads

Even with those two dickheads blabbing on between songs

I love to see their spirits crushed, their egos shattered

I love the ones that really suck in the first auditions

I love to watch them sob, their dreams in tatters

And I laugh while I eat my dinner

They’re crying in their 5-star hotel, and I’m cackling on my cack-brown couch

And it’s not that I am jealous, I’m not jealous, I’m not jealous.

The next Sunday, I had a pretty bad hangover

Feeling pretty grumpy

Sitting on the couch, eating Pringles feeling sorry for myself.

I flipped to Channel 10 and before I knew it I was watching a really short guy

Singing that really annoying song by Craig David.

Suddenly I rose to my feet – it must have been divine intervention

I saw the light in front of me, and I screamed!

Why am I watching Australian Idol? (God!)

Am I really reduced to this pitiful state? Jesus!

I may as well just head down to my local karaoke bar

Or better still just change to SBS.

You better believe it – I changed to SBS

So Marcia, Dicko, whatever your name is…

Shove it up your ass!