Everyone I Have Ever Slept With

I'd like to thank everyone

I have ever slept with

This award I've won

Is really yours

You helped with my career

Eight or nine a year

To me you're the real rising British stars

I'd like to thank my seducers

And also my seduced

My producers

And the whole supporting cast

My principal photographer

That unprincipled pornographer

Without whom the whole thing would be lost

I'd like to thank everyone

I have ever slept with

It really was Cecil B De Mille

The billions of sperm

The babies unborn

You applied so much spermicide to kill

I'd like to thank everyone

I have ever slept with

Some of you are squirming out there

Hoping and praying

I won't reveal your names

Don't worry, we all know who you are

So thank you Sallie Popplewell

And Rosemary Barber

Klee Hitchens

And Annalise Sinclair

Natasha Kefalonis

Angelika Adonis

Tracey Emin

And 37 more

I'd like to thank everyone

I have ever slept with

Thank you from the bottom of my heart

And from the heart of my bottom

I know it must be rotten

To provide the raw material for art

I'd like to thank everyone

I have ever slept with

The casting directors and the fans

There's a tent in my brain

Where I've embroidered all your names

I love you

And 'je ne regrette rien'

I'd like to thank everyone

I have ever slept with

Like an elephant, I never forgot

My make-up artist Pierre

My landscape gardener

My manager, my mother, and God