Cheese Shop

Good Morning

Morning, sir

Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium

Ah, thank you, my good man

What can I do for you, sir?

Well, I was sitting in the public library

On Thurmon Street just now

Skimming through Rogue Herry's by Hugh Walpole

And I suddenly came over all peckish

Peckish, sir?

Esuriant

Eh

'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike

Ah, hungry

In a nutshell, and I thought

To myself, A little fermented curd will do the trick

So I curtailed my Walloping activities

Sallied forth and infiltrated your place

Of purveyance to negotiate the vending

Of some cheesy comestibles

Come again

I want to buy some cheese

Oh, I thought you were complaining

About the bouzouki player

Oh, heaven forbid, I am one who delights

In all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse

Sorry?

'Ooh, ah like a nice tune, 'yer forced too

So he can go on playing, can he

Most certainly, now then

Some cheese please, my good man

Certainly, sir, what would you like?

Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester?

I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir

Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week

Sir, we get it fresh on Monday

Tish tish, no matter, well stout yeoman

Four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please

Ah, it's been on order, sir, for two weeks

Was expecting it this morning

T's not my lucky day, is it, aah, Bel Paese?

Sorry, sir

Red Windsor?

Normally, sir, yes, today the van broke down

Ah, Stilton?

Sorry

Ementhal, Gruyere?

No

Any Norwegian Jarlsberg, per chance?

No

Lepta?

No

Lancaster?

No

White Stilton?

No

Danish Brew?

No

Double Gloucester?

No

Cheshire?

No

Dorset Bluveny?

No

Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq

Port Salut, Savoy Aire

Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest

Bres Bleu, Bruson?

No

Camembert, perhaps?

Ah, we have Camembert, yes, sir

You do, excellent

Yes, sir, it's, ah, it's a bit runny

Oh, I like it runny

Well, it's very runny, actually, sir

No matter, fetch hither

The fromage de la Belle France, mwah

I think it's a bit runnier

Than you'll like it, sir

I don't care how fucking runny it is

Hand it over with all speed

Oh!

What now?

The cat's eaten it

Has he?

She, sir

Gouda?

No

Edam?

No

Case Ness?

No

Smoked Austrian?

No

Japanese Sage Darby?

No, sir

You do have some cheese, do you?

Of course, sir, it's a cheese shop, sir, we've got

No, no, don't tell me, I'm keen to guess

Fair enough

Uh, Wensleydale?

Yes

Ah, well, I'll have some of that

Oh, I thought you were talking to me, sir

Mister Wensleydale, that's my name

Greek Feta?

Uh, not as such

Uh, Gorgonzola?

No

Parmesan?

No

Mozzarella?

No

Paper Cramer?

No

Danish Bimbo?

No

Czech sheep's milk?

No

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Not today, sir, no

Aah, how about Cheddar?

Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir

Not much call, it's the single most

Popular cheese in the world

Not 'round here, sir

And what is the most

Popular cheese 'round here?

Illchester, sir

Is it?

Oh, yes, it's staggeringly

Popular in this manusquire

Is it?

It's our number one best seller, sir

I see, uh, Illchester, eh

Right, sir?

All right, okay, have you got any?

He asked expecting the answer 'No'

I'll have a look, sir, um, no

It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Finest in the district

Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please

Well, it's so clean, sir

It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese

You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir

Is it worth it?

Could be

Have you, shut that bloody bouzouki up

Told you sir

Have you got any Limburger?

No

Figures, predictable, really I suppose

It was an act of purest optimism

To have posed the question in the first place

Tell me?

Yes, sir

Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all?

Yes, sir

Really?

No, not really, sir

You haven't?

No, sir, not a scrap

I was deliberately

Wasting your time, sir

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going

To have to shoot you

Right-o, sir

What a senseless waste of human life