Next to You

We'd been friends for many years

Until I finally confessed

That I've always loved you dearly

But you were unimpressed

If I can never be your lover

I'll accept our destiny

And I'll embrace your gift of friendship

As I jack off constantly

Oh, I'll be there to lift you when you fall

With one arm around your shoulder and the other on my balls

Oh, if you need me you just have to call

'Cause I'll be next to you,

Masturbating

1, 2, 3, let's do it!

Through the good times and the bad

I will do everything I can

Like if you ever need help moving,

I can jerk off in the van

If your car breaks on the road

I'll grab my crank and pick you up

And we can drive away together

As I lotion up my junk

Oh, it doesn't matter where our lives will lead us

I will always stand beside you, both in spirit and in penis

Oh, excuse me but I have to go dry clean this

'Cause I've been next to you,

Masturbating

Look, I know this may seem weird, but it's not.

Every friendship I've ever had has been like this

You should know that I'm not doing this for myself

It's partly for you, but most of all, I'm doing this...

for America!

Oh, tell me everything that's in your heart

This is Claire, we're gonna make out

You just go ahead and start

If it escalates to boning, it means I'm listening super hard

'Cause I'll be next to you,

Oh

Oh, wait, Claire brought a friend

We're gonna have a threesome

And a crowd of people's gathered

To watch me bang both her and Lisa

Oh, when this is done you and I are getting pizza

'Cause I'll be next to you,

Masturbating

Slash having a threesome with Claire

But still masturbating.