Unicorn Wizard

Sometimes I wish I was even more awesome than I already am.

What would my life be like if I turned this shit up to eleven (out of a possible five)?

Ninja Brian, hand me my cloak. And my staff. And my horn. And that thermos of soup. I'm hungry but also thirsty, and you can kind of like eat and drink soup at the same time. Let's go!

Riding straight out of your imagination

Using my magic to fight against crime

Destroying evil with powers most awesome

Protecting the weak almost all of the time.

But not Sundays -- Game of Thrones is on!

Now is the time for a man of conviction

The world needs a hero, and I am that guy

Girl: Look! Who is that masked man?

UW: That's Ninja Brian, but shut up about him. Let's focus on me, because...

I am the Unicorn Wizard

Riding for justice on a comet of stars

With the help of my sidekick Princess Handjob

I'm more awesome and smarter than I already are

I am the Unicorn Wizard

My spells are amazing, and my reflexes quick

My horn is my strength and my strength is my power

And my power is my horn and my horn is my dick.

Here's your opportunity to stop listening if this song got too amazing for you. No? OK.

My life is a party, the guests are supermodels

Operation: I Rule is a total success

Every day I invent a new form of karate

That changes the way that Japan views the West

Now's that's progress! Doitashi Mashitay! (subtitle: You're welcome.)

Then we retire to the Chamber of Passion

And bathe in pool of strawberries and cream

The strawberries rub and exfoliate gently

The cream travels places you can't even dream

Girl: Ugh, I think I just dreamed it.

Danny: How was it? Amazing?

Girl: Uhh..

Danny: You mean Uhh...stounding? Yeah. You do.

I am the Unicorn Wizard

Just like Danny Sexbang, I'm handsome and strong

With the help of my hellhounds Tinkles and Gary

We punish the wicked then break into song

I am the Unicorn Wizard

A superhero for the entire human race

My wand casts a spell that will unlock the door

And the wand is my junk and the door is your face

Mom: Danny, Danny, wake up!

Danny: Oh hey mom. I had the craziest dream! I was the unicorn wizard.

Mom: Awww, shut up.

Danny: Unicorn Wizard!

Mom: I said shut up.

Danny: You shut up.