I Hope I Sell A Lot Of Records At Christmastime

Ah yo Santa let's get something clear

I'm half Jewish I shouldn't even be talkin about this time of year

But I'm near tears tryin to fund my record label career

While everyone drinks beer like they at Cheers

Makin Nintendo bets

on debts from bad rekkid deals for real I'm probably next

I'm here sweatin my ass off, it's July

But by the time this comes out I'll be behind my release schedule and

Mariah Christmas will be sellin' out - why?

I never did nothin bad to nobody

I'm still friends with all my Ex's who stole money (Aw honey)

Don't aw honey me Just give me the money please

One of those cards with a pocket for cash

A big stash or check to cash I'll snatch it

before you realize you acted rash and come at me all mad

I've been good, well pretty good, at least in my mind

Please let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime

Lalala La La La La

There's one Christmas Star

Princess Superstar!

Ho Ho Ho!

Who you callin' a Ho?

Look, I'm too poor to afford

life size cut out cardboard of me poured into a size 4

With a floppy Santa hat on the record store floor

Want ace product placement listenin station so while I'm on vacation

I got my face on Raisin Brans round the nation

I'm impatient need my wax to sell by the cases

Like Mase's in God's good graces I'll be gracious

Just let me retire with his wages

I'm not aimless I wanna be A-list

Hang out with someone famous

then my friends and I would all have someone to date us

Like Tom Hanks, Billy Blanks, Shabba Ranks or any of the Franks-

Stallone, Purdue, Avalon, or Delanor Roo

Bill Gates too-(Ew) It's true, all I gotta do is sell through

Go on tour then put out a live record real quick like Frampton or Badu

I got a cold, it's gonna be Xmas soon and I'm getting old

Hi Tower? Hi it's me again, how many units we sold?

You mean we didn't go platinum or like gold?

(Beep beep) Oh - that's my Rolls -

Yo wait I'm on a payphone please don't even try to put me on hold!!

Lalala La La La La

There's one Christmas Star

Princess Superstar!

Ho Ho Ho!

Who you callin' a Ho?

Ok you're all listening to my song that's a good sign

So either you bought it, it's on the radio

or your friend is sayin ha ha listen to this funny song

That's fine

But if that's the case don't even think about the blank tape

Take a date with your lazy ass go to Virgin or Other Music they close late

And in case you don't make it visit my website blah blah dot com

See old sexy pictures of me

order my record and buy the clean version for your mom

Santa, just one hit, one seasonal favorite -

One tear jerker piece of commercial shit

for the ages or just enough to get an agent

Watch how fast I'd sell out, get the cash get the hell out

Be on VH-1 Where are They Now Eatin' filet mignons by the pound

Round baby, Fat and gettin' down baby

No need to fit in fancy clothes now

Hey get the Camera crews off my grounds!

Call me flash in the pan, the blonde chick who thought she could rhyme

Please, just let me sell a lot of records at Christmastime!