My Clingy Girlfriend

I met her one day at the grocery store

She had a jar of pickles and ingredients for smores

I said to her smores are sweet but I'm sweeter

She laughed and said "Sure you are, make me a believer"

Oh smores.

I met her later for a cup of coffee

Something strange about the way she looked at me

I took her hand, pulled her close, then I kissed her

"Don't ever leave me" she said in a creepy whisper.

Oh shit.

My new clingy girlfriend... loves to text me all night

My clingy girlfriend is jealous of all kinds of

Women, my friends, my dog my Xbox

All of the above gotta be second to my clingy

girlfriend.

A year goes by, and she moves in with me

My man cave is now pink and there are tampons under the

sink

I had a drum set I played but she pawned it

At her friends wedding, she reached for the bouquet and

she caught it

AWKWARD.

She spends her time looking at wedding dresses

Rings and cakes and flowers YEAH, she's kindof obsessed

I think it's time to consider other options

Cuz I suspect that she's poking holes in the condoms.

Need proof.

I made her a cupcake to soften the blow when

I told her "I'm not ready for this level of commitment"

She grabbed for a fork then stabbed me in the arm and

began to pull my hair out while expressing her

resentment

And then she told me she would murder my whole family,

my coworkers and the girl who took my order that day at

Wendy's then she set the house on fire, and ran

screaming right outside and I felt guilty as the flames

reflected off her teary eyes.

So I took her back and now she won't let me have my car

or my dog or my beer or my porn, my bathroom, my

guitar, my pool table, my camera. my iPhone, my

website, my Macbook Pro or my iPad my vitamins or my

coffee maker the internet or my waffle iron my tools my

washer dryer combo riding lawnmower my fuel filter or

my PS3, or my sousaphone or my fishing pole or my life.