Security Guard

He struts and he swaggers, he's pretty sure

that chicks dig a guy in uniform

grey flannel pants and wine covered jacket

the smirk on his face makes you just wanna smack it

couldn't be a real cop without the mental wherewithal

so he's busting heads down at the shopping mall

security guard, mr security guard

Always wanted to be authorized personnel

he can go through this door and that door as well

he's limiting the loitering and breaking up brouhahas

he controls your access to santa claus

his keys jingle jangle as they hang from his belt

for his lunch his mom dropped off a tuna melt

for security guard, mr security guard

Crisis in the food court, but first he's gotta take a whiz

even though he's inside he's wearing sunglasses

sign says floor is slippery and man, it sure is

watch your step, security guard

Just checked the bathrooms and the food court's secure

time to hit on the girls at the vitamin store

they might remember him as the high school football star

now he's that guy with the neon lights underneath his car

stands around with the other guards comparing flashlights

"put a quarter in that horsey kid. theres no free rides"

security guard

wash my car

put down that cigar

you're not george peppard

security guard