Phantom Limb Masturbation

It started as a child

when I first sought to flirt with fate

I’d lay next to the tracks with arms outstretched across the rails

daydreaming fantasizing of sparks and screeching brakes

the plumes of bright red gushing iridescent in the sun

adopt a life of struggle

one down three more to go

desire: amputation

leave me writhing in the limbless throes

it is deficiency I crave

I want so to be helpless

to inferiority a slave

a clump of breathing flesh

free from extremity

now replete with nothing left

disassemble me

limb from limb oh what a treat

no more feeling incomplete nor encumbered by this lie

my prayer is for calamity

merciful blades to sever me

crippling

detruncating

immobile by design

majestic ancient titan

swims proudly in its tank

I wish to slake its hunger

flailing my legs as bait

“I finally feel complete. I am now whole.”

superfluous gesture

an unnecessary art

sacrificial offering

unto the gilded saw

rid me of my shame

of what I’ve overachieved

my envy is the handicapped

lord I beg of you I plead

I plead

wheelchairs prosthetics crutches

all stimulus to me

my love beyond mere fetish

call it disabling

I’d waltz upon a landmine

feed digits to machines

phantom limb masturbation

the only way

dissemble me

limb from limb oh what a treat

no more feeling incomplete nor encumbered by this lie

my prayer is for calamity

merciful blades to sever me

crippling

detruncating

immobile by design

disassemble me

piece by piece a loving feat

body image incomplete corrected by a knife

my hope is for catastrophe

a gangrenous limbdectomy

dismantling

dismembering

cut down to perfect size