I Can't Put My Finger on It

As Martin said to Xanthe

As they played with wooden toys.

"You may have Wendy's playhouse,

But where the hell's your boy?"

As Paul said to Fifi

As they eyed each other up,

You may have better plimpsoles

But you can't pee standing up."

And I'd like to take time to bite

Their neck and make it bleed

Or maybe I could cut holes in their

Daddy's Harris Tweed

And I can't put my finger on it

Maybe it's something in their food

And I can't put my finger on it

All I know Christ would've sued.

As Sharon said to Jamie

As they sat down for a chat

"If you think I'm cooking dinner,

Well, prepare to eat dead rat."

As Debbie said to Alex

As they held hands in the park,

"How comes you wear Rupert Check

When you think you're so hard."

I should've done his Land Rover

To let him know I'd been,

Instead I wrote "F' off"

On the dirt across his screen

And I can't put my finger on it

Maybe it's something in their food

And I can't put my finger on it

All I know Christ would've sued.

I wish I'd let them know I was here

A drop of arsenic in the wine,

Sulfuric acid in the beer.