Hello

Hello

Welcome to my show

I’m glad that you could come

We’re gonna have a hoot

We’re gonna have some fun

Sit back

Put your feet up and relax

I hope you’ve had a drink or three

The more you’ve drunk

The better I will be

And if you have a mobile phone

Please turn it off

…

Thank you

And if you have Tourette’s syndrome

Just do whatever it is you people do

And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy

Maybe you should chuff off home

Cos it’s only gonna get worse

Only gonna get worse

Only gonna get worse

From now on

…

Jesus Nipple

My name is Tim

I write funny songs and sing

And if you don’t think funny songs are funny

Well I respect your right

To think exactly what you like

But you’re sure as shit not getting back your money

And if you write for a newspaper I’d just like to say

That I read your publication every single day

And I agree with absolutely everything you say

I think you’re the most perspicacious and delightful,

eloquent, insightful writer

Writing on the subject of the arts

But if you write a bad review

I promise you I’ll come round to your house

And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants

I’ll lay turds!

In all your plants!

Your indoor plants!

Your potted indoor plants!

Hello

Welcome to my show

I’m glad you all could come

It’s time for a little audience participation

Sing, “yeah”

Sing, “yeah”

Sing, “ooo yeah”

Sing, “I am an audience member”

“Why are you making me sing”

“You self indulgent wanker”

“Just get on with the fucking show”