If You Really Loved Me

If you really loved me the way you say you do

If you love me half as much as I love you

You would pluck a planet from the sky

You’d use a star to dot the “i”

In I love you… that is what you’d do

You’d take a cloudy sky and you would paint it blue

If you loved me unconditionally

It’s the very least you’d do for me

You know I need you

Like a fish needs the sea

Like a fire needs oxygen

Like a flower needs a bee

But if you really care for me

You’d let me video you while you wee

Standing up in the bath, I shouldn’t even have to ask

Perhaps you’ll even store a little more in a flask

These are just the things that people do

When their love for one another is true

Doo doo doo

We go together

Like a cracker and Brie

Like racism and ignorance

Like niggers and R&B

But if you really want to show you care

You’d let me wear your underwear

When we go to your mum’s, for a bit of harmless fun

I just like talking about your childhood with lace

between my buns

There’s no reason for a big to-do

If your love for me is really truly true

We go together

Like a bird and a nest

Like Internet and kiddie-porn

Like guns and the US

And if you love me like you say you do

You’d purchase thirty cockatoos

And teach them to fly… in formation in the sky

And shit the words “Tim is God” on my ex-girlfriend’s

Hyundai

Sure, it might be easier with doves

But shirking challenges is not what love

Is all about

Love is not all wine and roses

Sometimes it’s handcuffs and cheese

No-one said love is for free

And if you acknowledge that

You’d sing me Bible stories wearing nothing but your

Bob the Builder hat

To the tune of waltzing Matilda

I just love the combination of Islam, nationalism and

builder

Because I need you

Like a tick needs a tock

Like bananas need pyjamas

Like a nun needs cock

But if you want to put your love for me first

You wouldn’t go through childbirth

You’d agree to adopt so that you could stay thin

We’ll get a Chinese kid, it could teach us Mandarin

And communists don’t make as much noise

And they’re really good at sharing their toys

Because I dig you

Like an Aussie digs pies

Like Born-Agains dig Jesus

Like Jesus dug guys

And if you love me unconditionally

You’d do my tax return for me

Cos it’s way overdue, and I just don’t know,

I guess I’m self-employed but do I still pay as I go?

And does the threshold apply to me?

And should I register for GST

And if you love me unconditionally

You’ll let me video you while you wee?

Assuming there’s nothing worth watching on TV